What happened

What happened? I foolishly gave someone I didn't know well full-admin status on my Facebook page, which gave her the power to de-admin me shortly thereafter. I failed to protect my page from being appropriated by someone who thought nothing of taking it away from me. I let this happen on my watch. This has been the very hardest part of what happened, this failure on my part to protect something so precious. I let something horrible happen to it.

I have no children. The Facebook fanpage was my child. An act of violence took her away from me. Someone else cares for her now. I have had to say farewell to my many years of daily, tender posts from my heart, now out in the internet wilds where I cannot tend to them.

I had my part in the misunderstanding. I am terrified of being bullied, as I am autistic and have a long history of painful bullying and the fear that accompanies it. It was shocking to have my posts immediately deleted by the new admin. I was frightened. I withdrew. What did it mean? It was shocking to then find out that the new admin thought of my page as hers. She was deeply threatened by my participation. I tried my best to help her understand I am trustworthy, that I wasn't trying to hurt her or undermine her. I went back and made screen caps of our conversation to show that I had in fact asked to post a series of caps I had made. I in fact hadn't posted the caps without her permission, the "transgression" that upset her so much.

It was very important to me to help her see I wasn't a threat, and that we had had a simple misunderstanding. But she simply and immediately de-admined me only minutes into that conversation. I was shattered. I could no longer post to my own page. She began deleting my usual cheerful comments (no hint of the drama behind the scenes). I was shut out.

My loss of confidence about participating has been consistently referred to as the reason for de-admining me. But my participation was not welcome. I struggled with this. I know now that the new head admin needed full control as she struggled to cope with her own immense anxiety and fear. Collaborating with anyone was not an option for her. She was not honest about this, perhaps not even with herself. She very quickly "solved" the situation with a primitive coping skill. She cut me off. She got rid of me.

[She suffers from a heart-breaking, debilitating form of mental illness.*]

The choice to immediately cut me off only caused a lot more upset and pain, and eventually led to her resignation from the page.

I only discussed what happened with a few longtime fans, who agreed with me at the time that the only way to handle what happened was to step back, and give the person who needed full control her best chance of succeeding as head admin. I communicated about this to the other admins. We stopped friending each other on our personal FB pages to further delineate our separate roles now that I was no longer an admin. There was no further contact for a time.

What changed is that the admin then posted on my Instagram page. She corrected me and my followers in our conversation about Naveen. Once again, I was shocked. I replied, asking if her post on my account meant a comment on the Facebook page would no longer be deleted. She did not answer. I tried leaving a positive comment on the FB page. It was deleted.

How could she be so insensitive? To block my ability to post or comment on my page of seven years, then to correct me and my followers on the only page I had left? I decided that I had to try again to be allowed to remove my posts from the FB page—my intellectual property, and the many tenderest feelings of my heart as a fan. I just had to try.

I made the decision to participate in the public drama, which I had completely avoided. I surrendered the high road and exposed the person involved in channel in the hopes she would relent, and let me take back my many years of posts which she had taken from me. She remained unwilling to allow me access to the page, even for a couple of hours to delete my 4,000+ posts! I even begged at one point. She just couldn't trust me. She is incapable of real trust.

She has since withdrawn as admin from the page.

I have had to move on, somehow finding a way to be at peace, and begin to heal my shattered trust on my own. I have stepped away completely. It is just too heart rending even to visit the page.

Still, I am so glad it continues. My legacy has been successfully passed on. This is so important to me.

Farewell, sweet page. Farewell.

*Borderline personality disorder is an illness marked by an ongoing pattern of varying moods, self-image, and behavior. These symptoms often result in impulsive actions and problems in relationships. People with borderline personality disorder experience extreme episodes of anger, depression, and anxiety that can last from a few hours to days. It is difficult for them to return to a stable baseline after an emotionally triggering event.

People with borderline personality disorder tend to view things in extremes, such as all good or all bad. Their opinions of other people can change quickly. An individual who is seen as a friend one day may be considered an enemy or traitor the next. These shifting feelings can lead to intense and unstable relationships.

Adapted from the National Institute for Mental Health and the National Alliance on Mental Illness. I note here that I have a Bachelors Degree in Psychology, and a Masters Degree in Counseling, and worked as a Marriage, Family and Individual Therapist in private practice for many years.